Life has been one hell of a ride so far.
This morning I went for my run that I try to do every other day. My runs are usually surrounded by beauty as I am blessed to be surrounded by the most magical redwoods and mountains that I could dream of. The neighborhood that I live in is safe, welcoming and friendly. I have never felt more at 'home' than I have when I have lived here in the mountains. This morning wasn't any less pleasureable of a run than any other time that I have gone and exerted myself; I found myself in a level of gratitude that I haven't found myself in in a while. This gratitude was also paired with the overwhelming feeling of my grandparents presence.
I felt it before my run...
I sometimes get this feeling, specifically on Sunday mornings, when I can feel the presence of my grandparents (who were in fact a huge part of my upbringing). This morning was unusually strong of a presence...so strong that I could smell the perfume that my grandmother would wear.
As I ran down the neighborhood streets that I run their presence was stronger and stronger to the point that I found myself confused. All that I knew to do was to verbally talk to them. I looked up at the blue sky that peaked between the full bodied redwood trees as the sun was warming my back and said "I wish you were here."
I don't know what happened, but I became overwhelmed with emotion.
I haven't cried over their deaths in years.
My grandfather died when I was 15 and my grandmother died when I was 27.
It's been over a decade since both have been gone, but I miss them as if they were here with me yesterday.
Time is weird like that. It confuses my brain because I really feel like it wasn't that long ago sometimes, but then again it can feel like it has been lifetimes and beyond since I have seen them, heard them or enjoyed them.
My understanding of life (and life and death) have changed drastically in the past year.
I have gone through so many changes in my faith that what I thought I knew or understood for so many years has been debunked, deconstructed and evolved. I never meant for the changes to happen, and though it has been terrifying I wouldn't change what I know now. But one thing that I have found in the changes that I have experienced, I have more questions than ever before.
The foundation of what I have been taught for decades has crumbled, so I am now taking the pieces that I do understand and learning to put them together in the way that they were meant to be placed.
In the notion of death...well, it scares me more because there are no more pink clouds to float on, there are no more fantastical stories of mythology to satisfy my curiosity of what is true. I do know that I believe in life after death because I deeply understand that I am a spiritual being and that there is more to me than my physical state; but that being said, I don't have concrete ideas of what life after death means anymore.
Do I believe in God? Yes...but my idea of who God is has changed, too.
I no longer follow the ideas of the evangelical christians that damn others if they do not believe as they do. That is not God. That is human rules. God does not mean for us to understand what it is or how it works. I say 'it' because God is nor male or female. God is beyond confines of human nature.
I grew up in the church and was taught of the inerrancy of the Bible and that all the truth that I would ever need would be in the 'Word of God'. I bought into that for years even when I would search and search, study and study and never find the answers to what questions I had. Many questions would be responded by me needing to have more faith, or that God will 'answer in time' (which makes no sense if I am supposed to seek the answers in the Bible to begin with). Then there were the traumas and abuse that I have had outside and inside the church that have been met with judgement, cold-shoulders and silence (along with the lack of answers in the Bible). I was desperate for help and love from a body of people that were supposedly biblically supposed to be there for others, but was left to my own vices and made to cling to God on my own. So I have. I no longer go to church. I no longer listen to the voices that condemn and tell me that my feelings are invalid...and you know what? I am happier! I no longer long for friendships within the church body that prove to be anything other than superficial! I no longer feel that my relationship with the God of my understanding is based upon a religious organization makes it any more or less valid.
The basis on my view that I can have a relationship with the God of the Universe is the fact that many 'righteous' men and women have done so without 'church'. My goal as a human is to grow and maintain a relationship with my God and to be a loving human to all.
If my grandparents were here today (and they may very well be able to see me somehow in the dimension that they are in in spirit), I believe that they would love me unconditionally; the way that I have always wanted another human soul to do to me. In my adventure and experience in this life I am learning to love myself when I haven't been given permission to do so before (because I am a sinful person, not to mention a woman). This love for myself is a projection of the love I have for my creator. If I do not love me, than I can not love the one who moulded me.
Thank you for reading!
PS...I will have to touch on my personal experiences in the church at another time.
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